The last 48 hours have been tough. I thought I would take a nice hot shower to wash some of it away. As I stood there in the almost too hot water, I realized, I am not just trying to wash away the last 48 hours, but the last ten years. This went beyond leaving Los Angeles, and one of the best first dates I have ever been on. This went beyond the nerves and excitement of the prospect of moving to California. This was beyond the argument I had with the boys dad about the move.
Here I was in hot water trying to wash away every single time I let someone else control my life, my emotions, or even my thoughts. Every ex, every stupid decision, every night spent awake wondering what I did wrong, all here naked before me. And there seemed to be no amount of perfumed soap that could take away all the stink. I stood there and let the tears run down the drain with the dirty water. And some how came out the other end with a clean perspective on things.
Yes, these last few days have been hellish. In three days my boys and I will be officially homeless. The thought that I am letting them down just kills me inside. And it is all weighing very heavily on me. I have no other choice but to turn on the cold water and wake myself up. There have been some pretty amazing things happening too. I am finally following my heart and moving to California. I had an amazing date with the kindest man I have ever met, and in the end, I think he thinks I am a pretty swell gal too. I have been tirelessly sorting through years of stuff, learning that the important things aren’t always things you pack away in a box.
I have a tattoo that says the words “shadow” and “light.” It’s a constant reminder that you can’t have dark times without a little light getting in, and you definitely can not have light times without a little dark. They encompass and complement each other. Perhaps a shower is all I needed to bring all of this into light. Perhaps I needed a reminder it’s okay to cry, just don’t camp out there and let it consume you. You have to let it wash itself down the drain.