Am I On The Outside Always Looking In?

I think this is common among autistic people, so I wanted to share. Perhaps it will be relatable. Maybe you can see a bit of yourself in this, if you are #ActuallyAutistic. If you are not, perhaps you can see some of what I am expressing in the lives of your autistic friends.

I worry that my friendships today work a lot like friendships back did back in grade/high school. I consider a very small select few my friends, and I am loyal AF to anyone I consider a friend. I have beenthat way my whole life. I love each one of them and would literally do anything for them. I am always honored and proud to be their friend, and I want them to be part of my life.

But, when I look back at some of my relationships, I realize that perhaps using the word “friendship” was a miscalculation on my part. I see a clear lack of me in their life on social media, or in their personal commitments. It makes me think perhaps I am really on the outside, looking in at my relationships with these people.

I do what any loyal friend would do. I consider my own faults, and my accountability for why this friendship isn’t what I thought it was. I figure it is most likely because I am a bit much, or a bit odd, or a bit different than a typical friend. Perhaps it is because I am so open about being autistic. From what I understand, that makes some people uncomfortable.

I wonder where to draw lines. I really don’t know. I am horrible at figuring out social norms. I’d ask for help, but I don’t know who I trust with my vulnerability. So, what’s a girl to do?

I am not saying all my friendships are this way. Just a majority of them. When I consider my relationships, I always factor in the realities of “life.” I am not selfishly asking to be the center of anyone’s world. I don’t make any of my friends the center of mine. What I’m looking for is a clear sign that I have value to these people, and I’m not finding it.

Published by Ipiluni

Mother, Actress, Writer, Voice Over, Renaissance Woman

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